Don’t get me wrong, I’m completely obsessed with my son and want time to slow down so I can enjoy every minute of him — but I’m also gonna rock being an empty nester.
After a long day of being someone’s caregiver, life supplier, and punching bag, I tend to dream of the days far down the road when I get to sleep for more than four hours at a time and can remember the last time I showered with great accuracy. But there are other not-so-obvious changes I’m looking forward to once any kids I have become (hopefully) productive members of society. So I’m keeping a running list of goals for my future self in hopes that I’ll take advantage of my unadulterated free time in between heaving sobs from missing that fresh baby smell.
- Make breakfast. Every morning. And I don’t mean put cereal in a bowl, I mean Pinterest that shit and make something extravagant because you have no one else to keep alive and can enjoy every bite — sitting down.
- Shower. Every day. By yourself. Shave your legs, dry your hair, and put on makeup because there’s a good chance you can leave the house and go see other grown ups.
- Gaze out your streak-free windows.
- Read books. Lots of books. Enjoy complicated characters and plots and revel in the fact that the words you’re reading are not accompanied by the Twinkle Twinkle/ABC melody.
- Write down the word “Caillou” and just set it on fire.
- View your barstool as just a barstool and not a leaning tower of death.
- Put absolutely anything you want on the last three shelves of your bookcase. When the time comes, decorate the bottom half of your Christmas tree with reckless abandon.
- Take a mental picture of how your furniture is arranged and enjoy seeing it all in exactly the same place day after day.
- Leave a load of laundry in the dryer for a while because you don’t have 9 loads in line behind it.
- Lastly, if you have a child who has a child, ignore this entire list and go straight to their house to give them a five minute break. Enjoy being grandmother of the year.
What am I missing, mamas? If you’re in the thick of it, what are your future empty nesting goals?